Trying to find normal

This weekend was quiet, activity wise that is, not weather wise and definitely not thought wise. The quietness was different; such a change from the way it's been - our weekends have been packed with family activities. It gave me lots of time to think ............

Several people have asked if our lives have returned to normal now that we've been home a few weeks. I was trying to figure out what normal is -- I know what normal use to be, but now? Nothing feels the same as it once did. For over a year we planned, hoped, dreamed about what our life would be like after we returned from Uralsk. There was so much to be done, things to get ready and future plans to be made. We talked often about the excitement and wonder we knew our new daughter would feel (as Hailee did) with every new experience that awaited her. We discussed how much it would change our family and how we would handle each of these changes, playing out scenarios in our chats. During all the time we spent doing this we never once considered coming home without a child.

We are different; forever changed from the people who left the USA. There's much anger, many tears, feelings of frustration and constant thoughts of what we could/should have done differently. We think about Vika all the time -- we wonder what she's doing, if she's going to find the home with her aunt that she hoped for. And than -- what if she doesn't would we/could we do anything to help. Without concrete answers to many of these feelings/thoughts it's hard to move forward.

Hailee has seemed to be doing well but we have noticed some rebellion in her behavior -- it could be chalked up to growing up, but maybe not. Last weekend out of the blue Hailee announced that she wanted her hair cut - this shocked me because for many years Hailee has said that she will not cut her hair. She wanted it to grow to her waist. Once in a while she would ask about it, but she always changed her mind -- this time she went through with it -- Amanda decided to get her hair cut too - they both look very cute.



Initially Hailee was happy with her decision -- now not so much. It looks nice and she knows it will grow again; but I can't help but wonder if her decision was made because she's floundering just as Jack & I are.

All I can say for each of us right now is that every day we put one foot in front of the other, force a smile on our faces and push forward -- trying desperately to get back to the elusive "normal."